Tag Archives: closeness

Embracing Family, Embracing Life, Embracing Parenting

I Am Great Mom! 

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Me and Gabi, 1994
Me and Gabi, 1994

For years, I questioned my parenting skills and I wondered if I would ever be a great mom. After all, I was pregnant with my 1st child, Gabi, at 19-years-old. As a single mom, I went into the military to be able to take care of the both of us.img_2899

Seven years later, I was a married and on bed-rest. From there, I was a stay-at-home mom for several years. My kids went from homeschooling to public school and back to private school. I was my kids’ Girl Scout troop leader, cheer coach, soccer/football team mom and the list goes on. I truly believed that if I did all of this, my kids would be awesome and not get into stuff like I did.

Well, when our oldest daughter was a teenager, I found out she was cutting (Google it—this is still very painful for me to talk about.) A year later, she was arrested and sent to jail for theft at her mall job; she was a few months out of high school and a few from shipping out in the Navy.

Gabi's Coast Guard boot-camp graduation Oct. 2015
Gabi’s Coast Guard boot-camp graduation Oct. 2015

After this, she decided to live with several boyfriends and their mamas (I promise she was raised in church) as well as with the neighbor across the street (She paid them rent, cooked and cleaned the house, y’all!!!) Then I found out via Facebook that she was married. Talk about a blow to your mothering self-esteem.

Eight years later, I found myself dealing with bad grades, a bad attitude, more cutting and yes, even a fight video (I almost had a nervous break-down from that – BUT GOD!!!) I actually stayed away from social media any time report cards were issued because I felt like an utter and complete failure. I blamed myself for my both of my daughters’ poor choices.

Doni
Doni’s 1st high school dance

Saturday, my 16-year-old daughter had an opportunity to hang with friends. I knew she was looking forward to hanging out with her friends since this was the first time she has all As and 2 Bs since 5th grade. Instead of going to the movies with them, she searched the mall for a gift for me….

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It took everything within me not to have an emotional breakdown when she gave it to me.  She hugged me! She thanked me for being a great mom to her. So, I encourage you to trust that God is faithful! I am finally seeing the results of what I put into my kids.

I now know that, “Yes, I am a Great Mom!”

Want ways to improve your marriage? Pick up a copy of my book, Being a Wife Just Got Real by clicking book.
Want ways to improve your marriage? Pick up a copy of my book, Being a Wife Just Got Real by clicking book.
Embracing Family, Embracing Life, Embracing Parenting

{Shelly’s Story} The Beauty of the Blended Family

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During the month of October, The Real Wife Movement™ will be featuring stories from wives who have blended families. They will share what they did to ensure their families thrived beyond 10 years.

Be inspired by Shelly’s Story.

Blended family: a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships.

Shelly and Marc 1994
Shelly and Marc 1994

I was asked by my dear friend Tanya to write about my blended family of 26 years. I was glad to not only give my 2 cents, but any chance to talk about my family that I adore was awesome. There was only one problem, my husband and I never considered ourselves a blended family. Another dear friend told me to just tell my story as I see it.

I had a chunky little one-year-old when my husband and I met in 1990. I did not see my husband as a natural parent to my son initially, we had a few conversations about his “parenting style”. What I realized was, he was interjecting his own military upbringing. I decided to pull back and let him parent his way. I did not want him to feel like a glorified babysitter once we decided to live together, and later marry.

Marc and Ryan
Marc and Ryan

My husband and son created their own bond when I had to work or any other time they spent together. A couple years later we started our own family. When the baby was born we made sure Ryan knew he was a big brother and that was an important job. One baby turned into 2, 3 and 4 more. The philosophy in our house was the same, the work “step” did not exist. There was no distinction, “your child”, “my child”, “our children together”. That was my husband’s rule from day one, “what’s yours is mine”.
A few times the younger kids said anything about Ryan not being my husband’s son, my husband would quip, “I’ve been Ryan’s dad longer than any of you jokers!” Point taken by the younger ones.
My husband was at every parent teacher conference, doctor appointment, football game and track meet. He paid for saxophones, summer camp, and college. He taught Ryan to drive, shave and tie his shoes.

The Family Shelly, Nicolas, Ryan, Marc Jr., Donovan, Chenelle, Marc Sr.
The Family
Shelly, Nicolas, Ryan, Marc Jr., Donovan, Chenelle, Marc Sr.

Some say our family blended so cohesively because my son was so young. While that may be true to an extent, parenting as a unit is most important. Also, I retained my maiden name when I married, hyphenating my name so that Ryan would not feel different in that respect. Ryan is now 26, working on his PhD and loves his dad to pieces. Why? Because he was loved to pieces.

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Shelly Brown-Rainey is the proud mom of 5 wonderful young adults, 4 of whom went to college. Her youngest is a Junior in high school. She and Marc have been married for 22 years.

Shelly is currently enrolled at Lynchburg General School of Nursing. She loves reading and vacationing with her husband.

Embracing Change, Embracing Life, Embracing Marriage, Embracing Parenting

5 Tips For Making My Blended Family Work

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And the Two Became THREE
And the Two Became THREE

Many people ask, “how did you make your blended family work?” With so much divorce in our society, I can see how this perplexes folks. My prayer is that these 5 tips will help you in this journey called, LIFE.

Christmas in Germany
Christmas in Germany
  1. Pray!!!! I am so serious about this. Bringing children and a spouse together is a totally different dynamic that can make or break a new marriage. I prayed so many times for God to give me directions on how to keep not only my mind stayed on Him but on how to keep my cool. If you don’t have a prayer life, I would suggest starting today. Something like, “Look God, I need your help.” That’s how my prayers always started.
  2. I had to make some adjustments. At first, I did not want Don to discipline Gabi. This caused so much anger and frustration at the beginning of our marriage. But God has a sense of humor, because I found myself on bed-rest 7 months into our marriage. So guess who had to do everything?? Don did! That included disciplining Gabi. Once I made that adjustment and trusted him to love her, the arguments in that area stopped. We had other areas to overcome but we both had to agree to do what was best for not only her, but also for the two children we created.

    Gabi visiting baby sister Doni
    Gabi visiting baby sister Doni
  3. We had to be okay with some things and not try to force it. I wanted to change Gabi’s last name to Barnett for the longest time. Every time we tried, something would happen. We even got her father on board with it but, he would change his mind right before we filed papers. Once I got over this thing that I wanted so bad, it didn’t matter. The funny thing about it is that, now she is married, and her last name is that of her husband.
  4. Let things happen organically. I wanted Don to be like my dad, but he is nothing like him. The more insisted he do things like my dad, the more he did the opposite which was, nothing at all. Once I eased up, he found his place with her. They both love movies, so every time a movie came out, they were right there. She ran track
    Gabi, Doni, Jakim 2003
    Gabi, Doni, Jakim 2003

    and he loved track, so he decided to be her coach. This lasted for years until she got to high school. Now that she is in the Coast Guard, she calls him all the time and some times I have no clue that they even had a conversation.

  5. We never used the word STEP.  We felt like that made an immediate division in the home. So from the outset, he was daddy to her and he called her is daughter. No one knew he wasn’t her biological unless we told them, which wasn’t often. She has written him beautiful poetry since growing up calling him daddy. She calls her biological father by his first name. This organically happened and I’m glad we made a choice to not use STEP in our home.
Family Vacation
Family Vacation
Proud brother and sister
Proud brother and sister
Gabi's High School Graduation
Gabi’s High School Graduation
Gabi's Coast Guard GRaduation
Gabi’s Coast Guard GRaduation

Was having a blended family easy? Absolutely NOT! However,  we had to make conscious efforts to have real conversations about what was acceptable and what was not. I love what Don and Gabi’s relationship has finally become.

How have you made your blended family work?

Want ways to improve your marriage? Pick up a copy of my book, Being a Wife Just Got Real by clicking book.
Want ways to improve your marriage? Pick up a copy of my book, Being a Wife Just Got Real by clicking book.
Embracing Life

Love Pays Dividends

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Love pays dividends big time when you are a giver. This weekend was uber busy for me! I took a 2 day road trip round trip that was exhausting but rewarding.

When I got home, hubby was handling Sunday dinner and getting our teens ready for school the next day. While I was in the shower, he ran out to get me these vibrant orange roses. He said he got them “JUST BECAUSE”. He said that I am always giving to others and he wanted to just give me something he knew I love: flowers.

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Vibrant Thing

Tuesday, he was stuck in traffic for over an hour and only drove about 15 miles from home. He turned around, went home  and decided to take the day off. He called me a few minutes before my lunch break to say he was coming by with lunch-for me. You know the best thing about this, he got my order right without asking what I wanted. LOL!!

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Lunch date side by side in our cars. #LovemesomeHim

To top it all off, he calls me and asks me to come straight home without making any stops. This dude grabs my keys when I walk in the door and heads to get new tires put on my car. I’ve been needing tires for a few months but our schedule never permitted for me to have them replaced.

New tires baby!!!
New tires baby!!!

You may be wondering why I titled this post, Love Pays Dividends. Well, I used to be an extremely selfish wife who complained unmercifully. Once I changed my ways, made deposits of love and respected my husband, he began to reciprocate. So, love does indeed pay dividends and I’m thankful we are both getting a return on our investments.

How do you and your husband make deposits of love into each other?

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Black Love, Embracing Love

Congressional Black Caucus Relationship Panel

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3 months after my book launch and 2 months after a total rebranding, I sat on a panel at the Congressional Black Caucus. The panel consisted of  experts in the field of relationships and marriage.

Say what now? The chick who was pregnant at 19 and looking at the military as her only option? The girl who’s baby daddy had another girl pregnant at the same time? Yeah, that girl.

I had the awesome opportunity to work alongside my husband last week. It was definitely a dream come true for the both of us! Granted it was only for 54 minutes, but they are 54 minutes that I will never forget.

I was invited to participate in the Congressional Black Caucus Relationship Panel. I was in shock when I was initially asked to do it. My hubby, on the other hand, was extremely proud of me. He said the hard work I put into my new book, Being a Wife Just Got Real, Things I Wish I knew Before I Said, “I Do” was paying off. He was adamant that it was the direct result of God’s grace on the book. My hubby assured me that God’s desire to see marriages be healthy and whole who be helped with this book.

We met he other couples on the panel and chatted it up. It felt like we knew each other for years. They were especially friendly and we talked with them for several minutes at the end of our segment.

After the panel was over, I had the opportunity to sell my book in the Author Pavilion. I met several other authors who had intriguing books that I will be adding to my home collection of books to read.

I am eternally thankful for this blessed opportunity and the fact that it opened doors for more speaking engagements.

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Want ways to improve your marriage? Pick up a copy of my book, Being a Wife Just Got Real by clicking book.
Want ways to improve your marriage? Pick up a copy of my book, Being a Wife Just Got Real by clicking book.